Many failed relationships, I think, fail out of unmet
expectations.
We human beings, all of us, are annoying or aggravating or
boring at times. We all have our flaws, and with prolonged exposure, flaws can so easily magnify
themselves in the eyes of others. So as we move through the cycles
of a relationship, it’s easy for the negatives we possess and the negatives of
our partner to grow more obvious and less tolerable.
And we all have our unique hungers, the needs and wants that
help make us who we are, that drive us in the directions our lives are destined
to go. Unless romantic fate is exceedingly kind to us, no partner will ever
fulfill all of those needs. So again, over time, we often find greater and
greater frustration in the portions of ourselves that our partners are unable
to satisfy.
In combination, these two trends can
easily turn a pinnacle of affection and attraction into a downward slope of
irritation, resentment, and anger – until we find ourselves standing before
a hungry void, the void of our neglected wants.
Once there, even a small unpleasantness can topple us over
the edge.
But it doesn’t have to be this way. We can take our
awareness of this phenomenon and make a few simple adjustments to avert that
tumbling decline.
First, we must be honest with ourselves and know the
importance of each yearning that drives us. How important is hand-holding,
religion, political conversation, travel, sex, or bowling? There are things that we like
but can do without, and there are things we must have to remain the people we
are. Only by knowing which is which can we judge the real success of our
partner in supporting our needs.
Next, we must communicate with one another. Our partner must
be made aware of just how important any given need is to us, how critical its
fulfillment is to our happiness. Without that awareness, she can’t be expected
to read the cause of our discontent; he can’t be expected to make his greatest
effort to satisfy our wants.
With that shared knowledge, two partners can know the limits
of the bond they share – and can compromise around those limits. Most
importantly, they can discard the misery of unmet expectations, because they
will have openly agreed on what can and can’t be expected.
Having eliminated from our relationships the dead weight of
pointless wanting, we can then focus on all the things we gain from the
person we love, instead of all the ways we think they have failed us. In place
of voids and holes, we can see strengths and supports. In place of resentment,
we can feel appreciation.
By removing the power of hopeless expectations, we free
ourselves to do what we can do for one another, to be what we can be for each
other.
A crucial final element in this equation is what to do when one partner has a need that can’t be compromised and the other has a true
inability to fulfill it. If love is to survive, it’s the obligation
of both partners to make sure that need is being met outside of the
relationship.
We should not expect our loved ones to suffer in hunger just
because we do not have the particular food they need.
If one partner burns to share the great outdoors while the
other is an agoraphobe ...
If one must dance and the other hates crowds and music ...
If one needs passionate arguments of the mind but the other
can’t stand intellectualizing ...
Then it is our duty not just to offer but to insist on giving
our partner the freedom to exercise their wants, their needs, their dreams. If
it can’t happen within the bounds of the relationship, we must encourage it
beyond ... and we must be happy to see our partner enjoy that freedom when they
take it, knowing that our insistence on their liberty is the best means we have
of giving them joy.
Real love is not a binding that restricts. It is the devotion to bestowing delight. It is the desire to free one's beloved from want. And it is the appreciation of all that one's beloved is, including all of his or her needs, both those we can meet and even – or especially – those we cannot.
Real love is not a binding that restricts. It is the devotion to bestowing delight. It is the desire to free one's beloved from want. And it is the appreciation of all that one's beloved is, including all of his or her needs, both those we can meet and even – or especially – those we cannot.
Thank you, goddess of love, for the opportunity to be what
we can, and the generosity to let go where we must.
Lovingly yours,
A devotee
