It's some years now since I started this blog, and while I did so mainly in an attempt at self-administered therapy, I've also always had a hope that my thoughts here would make themselves useful to others as well. This may be selflessness or it may be egotism -- most likely a combination of both.
Whatever it is, the desire has gotten stronger of late. As I ask myself why, the answer I come up with is that I yearn to know that my thoughts are important to others.
This is different than knowing that I am important to others. I have friends and family to whom, clearly, I am indispensable. But I also have this interior world, which is constantly churning and only occasionally given voice to those around me.
And this place within that I think of as my self wishes to be useful -- wishes to matter.
I have something inside me that finds less expression than it wants, that receives less recognition than it hungers for.
Is this impulse in some way the exact opposite of what it wants to be? It desires to help, yet that desire seems to be quite self-centered, does it not?
Recognition.
Importance.
Do we really give only so that we may in turn receive these things?
Or do we give because it feels good -- and because all too many things in this world do the reverse?
I don't have a ready answer.
If we do the best that we can, if we strive to be the best that we can, and if what we get in return does not make us sufficiently happy -- then how are we to retain any sense of worth?
And without that sense of worth, how do we go on?
Hope can sustain us, but what can sustain hope?
Perhaps a better question to ask, instead of these bleak and unanswerable ones, is, "Do others feel as I do?"
For if the answer is "yes" then the course becomes clear: find those others, and find a way to make them feel worthwhile.
Sooner or later, someone will do the same for you.
Thank you, goddess of love, for the ability to think things through.
Lovingly yours,
A devotee
4 comments:
Dearest A Devotee,
I have not been a faithful follower; however, fate brought me back recently and I found this post. My initial reaction is to repeat part of a comment I sent nearly 4 years ago: I am touched by your posts and find value in your thoughts. Truly, I feel connected to you :)
Regarding this post, your musings of selfish or selfless are not unknown to me, as I have similar feelings from time to time. Your posting offered me the comfort of knowing I am not alone. Thank you, truly, for sharing the goddess' love.
In addition, I am glad to find myself reacquainted with the three ideals: love, generosity, and thankfulness. I bid you farewell with the holy word ...
Love,
A believer
Ah, lovely believer ... there is no such thing as a faithful follower of the goddess, because the goddess does not lead. She gives, we receive, and any happiness that arises as a result is testament to her.
Be well, seek and find and give happiness as you can, and you will have embodied all that there is to embody of this faith.
For instance, your words and presence here speak of miracles, and what more could anyone ask but for a reminder of miracles long known?
Love,
A devotee
Devotee,
The goddess you proffer is idealism epitomized, and I should strive to embody the goodness and importance of those ideals; however, the "following" I mentioned is my following of you, Devotee, or specifically of your postings. I thank you for continuing them, and I wish you happiness as well as strength as you continue your journey of life. I look forward to playing my role in that journey as best as I can.
Love,
A believer
Well, we all get distracted and busy, don't we?
: )
Take care, and be well.
With a great big e-hug,
Devotee
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